Don’t get in a car with these two. Courtesy of HBO Video

Unstreamable is a weekly column that finds movies and TV shows you can’t watch on major streaming services in the United States. *

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Are you reading this from Bellingham? Not diffusable is swinging through your beautiful town this Friday night—THIS EVENING! Come join us downtown near the Pickford Center for a free screening of Pink Floyd The Wall.

Prepare for a mad rush.

Prepare for a mad rush. Courtesy of HBO Video

The cannonball race is stuffed with stars and stupidity. Based around an outlaw car race from Connecticut to California, the cast of bizarre characters sinks deep.

Burt Reynolds plays JJ, a suave racing driver who teams up with Victor (Dom DeLuise) to cleverly transform an ambulance into a race car in order to fight his way to victory. Farrah Fawcett plays a sexy, tree-obsessed photographer nicknamed Beauty, who catches JJ’s attention. Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. play characters disguised as Catholic priests (alcoholics) racing across the country in a red Ferrari. Roger Moore plays a man claim be a James Bond version of Roger Moore. And Jackie Chan appears in one of his first American roles as a Japanese Subaru driver. The movie is a deeply chaotic, deeply 80s mess of racial stereotypes, sexist jokes and fast cars that reminds me of movies I would watch when I was young with my friends’ older parents. It’s both fun and very outmoded.

Legendary director and stuntman Hal Needham wrote the screenplay partly based on his experience. It participated at the OG Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash before shooting the film, claiming to have completed the cross-country race in 32 hours. Like JJ and Victor, Needham raced across the country in a bloated, ambulance-like Dodge van. Now this I would absolutely watch. JASMYNE KEIMIG

Available for rent from Scarecrow Video and Netflix DVD.

***

SNORKS
United States, 1984-1988, 22 min episodes, created by Nic Broca

Snorks or Smurfs?

Snorks or Smurfs? Hanna-Barbera / NBC

I polled millennials last week, asking if they knew about the Smurfs imitation, the Tuba. So far I haven’t found anyone under 35 who know them, but please ring if you have any strong feelings about these webbed footed and snorkel headed sea minions. and that you didn’t grow up in the ’80s.

I understand that these plankton people were born out of a legal dispute between Belgian businessmen who were arguing over who had the rights to the Smurfs. When a team did not win, they decided to create a Smurfs competitor with many of the same characteristics – this is how we get the Tuba. Instead of blue gnome type things that live in mushroom beds, we get groovy tuba creatures that appear to live in Tampa Bay in the ’70s.

Tuba aired as a children’s series on NBC from 1984 to 1986, then aired in the second half of the 1980s. The storylines move quickly, with tight 15-minute episodes surrounding the people of Snorkland and their grumpy governor. They are smart – they have underwater robots and cars and ride seahorses for sport !! – but they lack the kind of nonchalant freedom of Smurfs. CONTINUATION OF BURNS

Available for rent from Scarecrow Video and Netflix DVD.

***

UNDEAD
New Zealand, 1992, 104 min, Dir. Peter Jackson
OK, I had fun watching this.

OK, I had fun watching this. Courtesy of Lions Gate Films Home Entertainment

There were several points throughout Undead where I felt physically nauseous. Like when Lionel’s zombified mother (Timothy Balme) squirts blood on a dinner mate’s cream. Or when a zombie’s guts get tender and start trying to kill poor old Lionel. Or when a demonic zombie child tears a teenage girl’s face in half and puts her face through her torn nose and mouth. OR when Lionel shreds all the undead in his house using the bottom of a lawn mower (ok, that was actually pretty cool).

But beneath all the fake blood, Peter Jackson’s violent ode to Mom’s deep-rooted issues is surprisingly funny. Although extremely bloody, the film never takes itself too seriously, inserting as much gags and slapstick humor as possible. After all, the madness begins after Lionel’s bossy mother Vera (Elizabeth Cosgrove) was bitten by a Skull Island Sumatran rat monkey after spying on her son and new lover Paquita (Diana Peñalver) at a zoo. from Wellington. The bite causes Vera to decompose and her hunger for the flesh of others. This disease of undead rat monkeys is spreading to others in town, and it’s up to Lionel and Paquita to save the day. Undead is a macabre but absurd adventure that you definitely shouldn’t watch while dining. JASMYNE KEIMIG

Available for rent from Scarecrow Video and Netflix DVD.

***

Jay-Z likes this.

Jay-Z likes this. Kino Lorber

Each Scarecrow Video section has some non-streamable gems, but I’ve been lucky to find loads of rare things in the music sections of Scarecrow lately. There is a big music-sized hole in the streaming market – why do I have to search fuzzy YouTube scams to find a clean version of the Cher’s Believe tour? – but luckily for the Seattleites, we have a place that fills that gap. The musical sections of Scarecrow have titles ranging from Divas Live To Concerts for young people by Leonard Bernstein To Slade in flames To Judy Garland in concert. You can close your eyes and point your finger, and you will likely find a title that is not readily available on the Internet.

This week I dove into the Fela Kuti area of ​​the section, looking for some rare footage of one of Nigeria’s favorite sons. There’s loads of mainstream stuff on Kuti – Dave Segal has written about the popular Find Fela here in 2014 – and many is out of date. Fela “Afrobeat God” Kuti has lived a huge life, the kind of musician who “happens once in a century” as Dave wrote, so things about him easily turn into hagiography. That’s part of the reason I enjoyed the hard to find documentary Teacher don’t teach me nonsense. He overlays rare performance footage over a lengthy interview with Kuti, where he talks about everything from the rigidity of the English language to how nobody obeys traffic lights in Lagos. It’s not overwhelming, but it’s simple, leaving room for Kuti to speak. CONTINUATION OF BURNS

Available for rent from Scarecrow Video and Netflix DVD. (There’s no such thing as a good trailer, so check out this instead.)


* Not Streamable means we haven’t found it on Netflix, Hulu, Disney +, or any of the 300+ other streaming services available in the US. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. Yes, we know that you can find a lot of things online illegally, but we do not consider user-generated videos like unauthorized YouTube downloads to be streamable.

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